When I was younger, I wanted to "make it" as a singer/ songwriter. I worked very hard. I got disgustingly close to major label deals. Was flown places. I was "the next big thing" for years. I had a publishing deal with a major company, I finally signed a record deal with a smaller label. I could name drop, oh how I would love to impress you, but it's not my style.
In the end, I released my records on my own. I toured on my own. For doing everything on my own, I did ok. I've made a living, off and on. My husband says I've had more success than 99% of the singer/songwriters out there. But. Well. You know. Sometimes, it hasn't felt like enough.
I posted a song on this blog the other day. It took a lot of courage for me to do it. I don't know why. It's all I've done for years- singing, songwriting, making recordings. Still...
I played at a friends birthday party yesterday. A "newer" friend asked me why I hadn't told her I was a singer-songwriter. How could you not share that information? She asked, incredulous. I don't know. I've never seen a TV show that my song was in. Why not? I don't know. (Maybe because I knew the song was most likely background music and I'd have to sit through a silly sitcom to hear it.)
Maybe this is why I've never really made it beyond where I am. I hoped someone else would do that work...the pushing down of doors. And I could just sing the songs. But life doesn't usually work that way.
As an excercise for myself, I am going to keep going where I left off 5 years ago. Playing live, writing and now sharing songs and musical experiences on my blog.
I am not doing it for attention. I am not doing for success. I am doing it because it's what I do.
And that is my mantra.
And if that mantra is what I've done wrong all these years in terms of becoming successful in the eyes of the world, then I expect the world will find a way to gently let me know. Some schools of thought say that if you want fame, you have to tattoo it on your forehead for all the world to see. Give up everything for it. Mercilessly promote one's self to the bitter (or blissful) end.
I get it, but I suspect I'm not that.
To look back, now that I'm almost 40, and wonder if I should have done anything differently...to me it's a ridiculous thought. It's hard to explain. But, as I'm sitting here writing this, my guitar is about 10 feet away. I can pick it up. I can play it. I can write! I can sing! I think what I'm trying to say is...thank you world, for giving that to me. I have relied on my musical abilities for my own happiness and growth over many years and I have loved doing so.
I may not be totally famous or rich in the typical sense of the words...but then again, I guess I'm just not a totally typical kind of girl.
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